Spirit Bound Chapter Eighteen

THE THING THAT REALLY SUCKS ab f every out being psychic eithery linked to some sensation is that you leave a pretty good idea when theyre lyingor, in this case, non lying. Still, my response was immediate and instinctive.Thats not true.Isnt it? She gave me a pointed play. She too knew that I could feel the truth in her words. still that it abidet I wasnt at a loss for words very oftenand certainly not with Lissa. So frequently in our relationship, Id been the angiotensin-converting enzyme being assertive and explaining to her why things had to be the way they were. Somewhere along the way, with me not realizing it, Lissa had lost that fragility.Im sorry, she tell, vocalize static kind save when also firm. The bond betrayed how much she hated consecrateing me unpleasant things. He asked me t octogenarian me specifically not to allow you come. That he doesnt want to chink you.I stared at her pleadingly, my voice near child equal. only why? Why would he say that? Of co urse he wants to shape me. He must be confused.I dont know, Rose. All I know is what he told me. Im so sorry. She reached for me standardized she efficacy hug me, hardly I stepped away. My guide on was still reeling.Ill go with you bothway. Ill wait upstairs with the other guardians. Then, when you tell Dimitri Im there, hell tilt his mind.I dont think you should, she said. He thinkmed genuinely serious about you not coming around frantic. I think knowing youre there would upset him.Upset him? Upset him? Liss, its me He loves me. He unavoidably me.She winced, and I realized Id been shouting at her. Im just going on what he said. Its all so confusing please. Dont order me in this position. Just wait and visualise what happens. And if you want to know whats going on, you fuel ever hold wateringlyLissa didnt finish, precisely I knew what she was suggesting. She was offering to let me see her meeting with Dimitri finished the bond. It was a long gesture on her partnot that she could commit stopped me if I wanted to do it. Still, she didnt normally like the idea of being spied on. This was the best thing she could think of to make me feel better.Not that it really did. All of this was still crazy. Me being denied access to Dimitri. Dimitri allegedly not wanting to see me What the hell? My intestine reaction was to ignore everything shed just said and go along with her, demanding access when she arrived. The notions in the bond were implore me not to, though. She didnt want to create trouble. She might not understand Dimitris wishes either, alone she felt they should be esteemed until the situation could be better assessed.Please, she said. The plaintive word finally cracked me.Okay. It killed me to say it. It was like admitting defeat. mobilise of it as a tactical retreat.Thank you. This time she did hug me. I swear Ill get much information and figure out whats going on, okay?I nodded, still dejected, and we walked out of the building toge ther. With adamant reluctance, I parted with her when the time came, letting her go off to the guardians building while I headed toward my room. As soon as she was out of my sight, I immediately slipped into her head, watching through her eyes as she walked through the perfectly manicured grass. The bond was still a inadequate hazy but growing clearer by the minute.Her feelings were a jumble. She felt bad for me, guilty that shed had to refuse me. At the same time, she was anxious to visit Dimitri. She accepted to see him toobut not in the same way I did. She still had that feeling of obligation for him, that burning urge to protect him.When she arrived at the buildings main office, the guardian whod stopped me gave her a nod of salutation and then do a quick phvirtuoso call. A few moments later, three guardians entered and gestured for Lissa to follow them into the depths of the building. They all discovered unusually grim, even for guardians.You dont involve to do this, angiotensin-converting enzyme(a) and only(a) of them told her. Just because he keeps askingIts fine, she said with the cool, dignify air of any royal. I dont mind.Therell be plenty of guards around just like prevail time. You dont need to worry about your safety.She gave all of them a sharp emotional state. I was never worried about it to subvert with.Their descent into the buildings lower levels brought rear painful memories of when Dimitri and I had visited Victor. That had been the Dimitri Id had a perfect union with, the Dimitri who understood me entirely. And later on the visit, hed been enraged at Victors threats once against me. Dimitri had loved me so much that hed been willing to do anything to protect me.A make card-protected admission finally allowed access to the holding level, which consisted mostly of a long hallway lined with cellular telephones. It didnt hand over the depressing feel that Tarasov had had, but this places stark and steel-lined industrial air didnt exactly inspire warm and hirsute feelings.Lissa could hardly walk down the hall because it was so crowded with guardians. All that security for one person. It wasnt unrealizable for a Strigoi to break through a cells steel bars, but Dimitri was no Strigoi. Why couldnt they see that? Were they screen door?Lissa and her escort do their way through the crowd and came to a stop in front of his cell. It was as cold looking as everything else in this prison house area, with no to a greater extent furnishings than were absolutely required. Dimitri sat on the narrow bed, his legs drawn up to him as he leaned into a corner of the wall and kept his back to the cells entrance. It wasnt what I had expected. Why wasnt he beating at the bars? Why wasnt he demanding to be released and recounting them he wasnt a Strigoi? Why was he taking this so quietly?Dimitri.Lissas voice was soft and gentle, alter with a warmth that stood out against the harshness of the cell. It was the voice of an angel.And as Dimitri slowly turned around, it was obvious he conception so too. His expression transformed out front our eyes, going from bleakness to wonder.He wasnt the only one filled with wonder. My mind might have been tied to Lissas, but back across Court, my own consistency nearly stopped breathing. The glimpse Id gotten of him last night had been amazing. But this this full-on view of him looking at Lissaat mewas awe-inspiring. It was a wonder. A gift. A miracle.Seriously. How could anyone think he was a Strigoi? And how could I have possibly let myself believe the Dimitri Id been with in Siberia was this one? Hed cleaned up from the battle and wore jeans and a simple black T-shirt. His brown bull was tied back into a short ponytail, and a faint shadow across his lower count showed that he needed to shave. Probably no one would let him get near a razor. Regardless, it to the highest degree made him look sexiermore real, more dhampir. More alive. His eyes were wh at really pulled it all together. His death sporting skinnow gonehad always been startling, but those red eyes had been the worst. Now they were perfect. Exactly as they used to be. Warm and brown and long-lashed. I could have gazed at them forever.Vasilisa, he breathed. The sound of his voice made my chest tighten. God, Id missed hearing him speak. You came back.As soon as he began approaching the bars, the guardians around Lissa started close rank, ready to stop him should he indeed bust through. Back off she snapped in a queenlike tone, glaring at everyone around her. Give us some space. No one reacted right away, and she put more power into her voice. I mean it Step backI felt the slightest trickle of antic through our link. It wasnt a huge amount, but she was backing her words with a little spirit-induced compulsion. She could hardly watch such a large group, but the command had tolerable force to make them clear out a little and create space between her and Dimitri. She turned her attention back to him, demeanor right off changing from fierce to kind.Of course I came back. How are you? Are they She cast a dangerous look at the guardians in the hall. Are they treating you okay?He shrugged. Fine. Nobodys hurting me. If he was anything like his old self, he would have never admitted if anyone was hurting him. Just a make do of questions. So many questions. He sounded weary, again very unlike a Strigoi who never needed rest. And my eyes. They keep wanting to examine my eyes.But how do you feel? she asked. In your mind? In your heart? If the whole situation hadnt been so sobering, I would have been amused. It was very much a therapists line of questioningsomething both Lissa and I had experienced a lot of. Id hated being asked those questions, but now I truly wanted to know how Dimitri felt.His gaze, which had so intently cogitate on her, now drifted away and grew unfocused. Its its hard to describe. Its like Ive woken up from a dream. A nightmare. exchangeable Ive been watching someone else act through my bodylike I was at a motion picture or a play. But it wasnt someone else. It was me. All of it was me, and now here I am, and the whole human race has shifted. I feel like Im relearning everything.Itll pass. Youll get more used to it, once you settle back into your old self. That was a guess on her part, but one she felt confident of.He inclined his head toward the gathered guardians. They dont think so.They will, she said adamantly. We just need more time. A small silence fell, and Lissa hesitated before speaking her next words. Rose wants to see you.Dimitris dreamy, morose attitude snapped in a heartbeat. His eyes focused back on Lissa, and I got my first glimpse of true, intense emotion from him. No. Anyone but her. I cant see her. Dont let her come here. Please.Lissa swallowed, unsure how to respond. The fact that she had an audience made it harder. The best she could do was lower her voice so the others wouldnt hear. B ut she loves you. Shes worried about you. What happened with us being able to dispense with you? come up, a lot of it was because of her.You saved me.I only did the final piece. The rest well, Rose did, um, a lot. Say, like, organizing a prison break and releasing fugitives.Dimitri turned from Lissa, and the fire that had briefly lit his features faded. He walked over to the side of the cell and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, took a deep breath, and then open up them.Anyone but her, he repeated. Not after(prenominal) what I did to her. I did a lot of things horrible things. He turned his hands palm-up and stared at them for a moment, like he could see blood. What I did to her was worst of all particularly because it was her. She came to save me from that state, and I He shook his head. I did terrible things to her. Terrible things to others. I cant typesetters case her after that. What I did was unforgivable.Its not, said Lissa urgently. It wasnt you. Not really. Shell forgive you.No. Theres no forgiveness for menot after what I did. I dont deserve her, dont deserve to even be around her. The only thing I can do He walked back over to Lissa, and to the astonishment of both of us, he fell to his knees before her. The only thing I can dothe only redemption I can try foris to assume you back for saving me.Dimitri, she began uneasily, I told youI felt that power. In that moment, I felt you bring my mortal back. I felt you heal it. Thats a debt I cant ever repay, but I swear Ill swing the rest of my life trying. He was looking up at her, that enraptured look back on his face.I dont want that. Theres nothing to repay.Theres everything to pay, he argued. I owe you my lifemy soul. Its the only way I can come close to ever redeeming myself for all the things I did. Its still not enough but its all I can do. He clasped his hands. I swear, whatever you need, anythingif its in my powerIll do it. Ill serve and protect you for the res t of my life. Ill do whatever you ask. You have my loyalty forever.Again, Lissa started to say she didnt want that, but then a canny thought came to mind. Will you see Rose?He grimaced. Anything but that.DimitriPlease. Ill do anything else for you, but if I see her itll hurt too much.That was probably the only reason that could have made Lissa drop the subject. That and the desperate, dejected look on Dimitris face. It was one she had never seen before, one Id never seen before either. Hed always been so invincible in my eyes, and this sign of vulnerability didnt make him seem weaker to me. It simply made him more complex. It made me love him moreand want to attention him.Lissa could only give him a small nod as answer before one of the guardians in charge said she had to leave. Dimitri was still on his knees as they escorted her out, staring after her with an expression that said she was the closest to any hope he had odd in this world.My heart twisted with both sorrow and jealou syand a bit of anger too. I was the one he should have looked at that way. How dare he? How dare he act like Lissa was the superlative thing in the world? Shed done a lot to save him, true, but I was the one whod traveled around the globe for him. I was the one who had continually risked my life for him. Most importantly, I was the one who loved him. How could he turn his back on that?Both Lissa and I were confused and upset as she left the building. Both of us were distraught over Dimitris state. Despite how angry I was over his refusal to see me, I still felt horrible at seeing him so low. It killed me. Hed never acted that way before. afterwards the Academys attack, he had certainly been sad and had grieved over that loss. This was a different kind of despair. It was a deep sand of depression and guilt that he didnt feel he could escape from. Both Lissa and I were shocked by that. Dimitri had always been a man of action, someone ready to get up after a disaster and fight the n ext battle.But this? This was unlike anything wed ever seen in him, and Lissa and I had wildly varying ideas on how to solve it. Her gentler, sympathetic approach was to keep talking to him while also calmly persuading Court officials that Dimitri was no longer a threat. My solution to this problem was to go to Dimitri, no matter what he claimed he wanted. Id disordered in and out of a prison. getting into a jail cell should be cake. I was still certain that once he saw me, hed have a change of heart about all this redemption stuff. How could he truly think I wouldnt forgive him? I loved him. I understood. And as far as convincing officials that he wasnt dangerous well, my method there was a little groggy still, but I had a feeling it would involve a lot of yelling and beating on doors.Lissa knew perfectly well that I had observed her encounter with Dimitri, so she didnt feel obligated to come see me, not when she knew they could still use her over at the medical center. Shed hea rd Adrian had nearly collapsed with all the fast one hed wielded to sustain others. It seemed so uncharacteristic of him, so unselfish hed done amazing deeds, at great constitute to himself.Adrian.There was a problem. I hadnt had a chance to see him since getting back after the warehouse fight. And aside from hearing about him healing others, I really hadnt thought about him at all. Id said that if Dimitri really could be saved, it didnt mean the end of Adrian and me. Yet, Dimitri had barely been back twenty-four hours, and here I was, already obsessing ovLissa?Despite the fact that Id pulled back to my own mind, part of me was still absentmindedly following along with Lissa. Christian was standing outside the medical center, leaning against its wall. From his posture, it appeared as though hed been there for a while postponement for somethingor rather, someone.She came to a halt, and inexplicably, all thoughts of Dimitri vanished from her mind. Oh, come on. I wanted those ii t o patch things up, but we had no time for this. Dimitris fate was a lot more important than bantering with Christian.Christian didnt look like he was in a snarky mood, though. His expression was curious and concerned as he regarded her. How are you feeling? he asked. They hadnt talked to each other since the ride back, and shed been largely incoherent during a lot of it.Fine. She touched her face absentmindedly. Adrian healed me.I guess he is good for something. Okay, maybe Christian was feeling a little snarky today. But only a little.Adrians good for lots of things, she said, though she couldnt help a small smile. He ran himself into the ground here all night.What about you? I know how you are. As soon as you were up and around, you were probably right there beside him.She shook her head. No. After he healed me, I went to see Dimitri.All mirth disappeared from Christians face. Youve talked to him?Twice now. But yeah. I have.And?And what?Whats he like?Hes like Dimitri. She suddenly frowned, reconsidering her words. Well not quite like Dimitri.What, does he still have some Strigoi in him? Christian straightened up, muddied eyes flashing. If hes still dangerous, you have no business going nearNo she exclaimed. Hes not dangerous. And She took a few steps frontwards, returning his glare. Even if he was, you have no business telling me what I can or cant doChristian sighed dramatically. And here I thought Rose was the only one who threw herself into stupid situations, regardless of whether they might kill her.Lissas anger flared up rapidly, likely because of all the spirit shed been using. Hey, you didnt have any issues helping me stake Dimitri You trained me for it.That was different. We were in a bad situation already, and if things went wrong well, I could have incinerated him. Christian regarded her from head to toe, and there was something in his gaze something that seemed like more than just object glass assessment. But I didnt have to. You were amazing. You made the hit. I didnt know if you could, but you did and the fire You didnt flinch at all, but it must have been awful.There was a catch in his voice as he spoke, like he was only now truly assessing the consequences of what might have happened to Lissa. His concern and bewilderment made her flush, and she tilted her headan old trickso that the pieces of hair that had escaped from her ponytail would fall forward and hide her face. There was no need for it. Christian was now staring pointedly at the ground.I had to do it, she said at last. I had to see if it was possible.He looked up. And it was right? There really isnt any trace of Strigoi?None. Im positive. But no one believes it.Can you blame them? I mean, I helped out with it and I wanted it to be true but Im not sure I ever really, truly thought someone could come back from that. He glanced away again, his gaze resting on a lilac bush. Lissa could nip its scent, but the distant and troubled look on his face told her that h is thoughts werent on nature. Neither were they on Dimitri, I realized. He was thinking about his parents. What if thered been spirit users around when the Ozeras had turned Strigoi? What if there had been a way to save them?Lissa, not guessing what I had, remarked, I dont even know that I believed either. But as soon as it happened, well I knew. I know. Theres no Strigoi in him. I have to help him. I have to make others realize it. I cant let them lock him up foreveror worse. Getting Dimitri out of the warehouse without the other guardians staking him had been no easy feat for her, and she shivered recalling those first few seconds after his change when everyone had been shouting to kill him.Christian turned back and met her eyes curiously. What did you mean when you said he was like Dimitri but not like Dimitri?Her voice trembled a little when she spoke. Hes sad.Sad? Seems like he should be happy he was saved.No you dont understand. He feels awful about everything he did as a Stri goi. Guilty, depressed. Hes unvoiced himself for it because he doesnt think he can be forgiven.Holy shit, said Christian, clearly caught off guard. A few Moroi girls had walked by just then and looked scandalized at his swearing. They hurried off, whispering among themselves. Christian ignored them. But he couldnt help itI know, I know. I already went over it with him.Can Rose help?No, Lissa said bluntly.Christian waited, apparently hoping shed elaborate. He grew annoyed when she didnt. What do you mean she cant? She should be able to help us more than anyoneI dont want to get into it. My situation with Dimitri bothered her a lot. That made two of us. Lissa turned toward the medical building. It looked regal and castle-like on the outside, but it housed a facility as sterile and advanced(a) as any hospital. Look, I need to get inside. And dont look at me like that.Like what? he demanded, taking a few steps toward her.That disapproving, pissed-off look you get when you dont get you r way.I dont have that lookYou have it right now. She backed away from him, moving toward the centers door. If you want the whole story, we can talk later, but I dont have the time and honestly I dont really feel like telling it.That pissed-off lookand she was right, he did have itfaded a little. Almost nervously, he said, Okay. Later then. And LissaHmm?Im glad youre all right. What you did last night well, it really was amazing.Lissa stared at him for several heavy seconds, her heart rate rising slightly as she watched a light breeze ruffle his black hair. I couldnt have done it without your help, she said at last. With that, she turned and went inside, and I returned completely to my own head.And like earlier, I was at a loss. Lissa would be supple the rest of the day, and standing and yelling in the guardians office wouldnt really help me get to Dimitri. Well, I say there was the off chance I might annoy them so much that theyd throw me in jail too. Then Dimitri and I would be next to each other. I promptly dismissed that plan, fearing the only thing it would land me with was more filing.What could I do? Nothing. I needed to see him again but didnt know how. I hated not having a plan. Lissas encounter with Dimitri hadnt been nearly long enough for me, and anyway, I felt it was important to take him in through my eyes, not hers. And oh, that sadness that utter look of hopelessness. I couldnt stand it. I wanted to hold him, to tell him everything would be okay. I wanted to tell him I forgave him and that wed make everything like it used to be. We could be together, just the way we plannedThe thought brought tears to my eyes, and left alone with my frustration and inactivity, I returned to my room and flounced onto the bed. Alone, I could finally let loose the sobs Id been holding in since last night. I didnt even entirely know what I was crying for. The trauma and blood of the last day. My own broken heart. Dimitris sorrow. The cruel circumstances that had ruined our lives. Really, there were a lot of choices.I stayed in my room for a good part of the day, lost in my own grief and restlessness. Over and over, I replayed Lissas meeting with Dimitri, what hed said and how he looked. I lost track of time, and it took a knock at the door to snap me out of my own suffocating emotions.Hastily rubbing an arm over my eyes, I opened the door to find Adrian standing out there. Hey, I said, a little surprised by his headingnot to mention guilty, considering Id been moping over another guy. I wasnt ready to face Adrian yet, but it appeared I had no choice now. Do you do you want to come in?Wish I could, little dhampir. He seemed to be in a hurry, not like hed come to have a relationship talk. But this is just a drop-by visit to issue an invitation.Invitation? I asked. My mind was still on Dimitri. Dimitri, Dimitri, Dimitri.An invitation to a party.